EQUITABLE LIFE MEMBERS

A Silly Equitable Story

Last Updated: Sunday, November 11, 2001 12:03 PM

With thanks to ngswizzled

Stone-mason to Undertaker

‘Why are we being kept hanging around so long?’

‘Well, the corpse is not certified dead yet.’ Is the reply.

‘Can’t hang around here for ever, need to change my briefs, wink wink, know what I mean. -But on the quiet, would not euthanasia be allowed?

Don’t be daft, the Boss won’t get his bonus, and as for Big Brother across the River, well they will really catch a cold!

Just look at that lot out there. I know its press as well. – But, didn’t they get their knuckles wrapped a few weeks ago? You know, before or was it after, that mauve eulogy inadvertently got out. It was all quiet then. I just  kept chiseling away, had a cup of tea,- having to use the tea bags twice round these days,-  while ‘the suits’ swanked around in a bus, hotels, who was paying for that lot then?

 Cor, don’t know where I am now, cost of new stones, my time, never knowing what I am supposed to chisel on the epitaph. I keep getting requests for the old Board, but some fools mis-spell the names. Then cor blimey the press came back, after what was his name Baird, or was it, P.Ombudsman, thought he had passed away as well. And what about...how could I forget, what's his name,... DTI  or was it FSA  Davis and Nurse Kelly. Is she a nurse? -  seems to be giving everyone and no-one the kiss of.. well you know what I mean. But all in all its really got them stirred up.’

You do talk ‘cow pat’ that mauve thing is good for nothing, quality of paper, cost etc., can’t even use it in the ‘midden.’

No substance, no better, well what could be worse than the ‘Old Suits’ previous statements made on good old WPF’s behalf, - a lot of us had faith in them, -  cor we need faith now!

That tome does not address the honest facts. What did it say – ‘way forward, forget the past, we may, we might but you can’t’! Who for Angels sake understands S425,... look at it, the Government told us boys, that they would, set up a department to look at mis-selling of Personal Pension Plans, especially where, those in Occupational pensions were proven to be disadvantaged. It also said it would look into the mis-selling of Endowment Policies, - what happens here,.. is it mentioned in the purple prose?

Some of them, out there, are as mad as hell. A forest will need to be felled for all the letters written.

But the Boss is saying nothing!

What does he care. Wants it all swept under the carpet. So he's saying nothing. But then as a Lawyer, I heard the other day, that that's his prerogative.

Look its all a game of bluff, play hard ball, wait to see if  the Boys across the river can continue to turn its deaf ear to a 13 year mis-selling scandal.- The Boss is telling us, ‘Not in my lifetime my Son.’

But, but....it's the law, its what we believe in...

Don’t interrupt, course they won’t, what's it done to date, prevaricate, we have appointed etc., etc., not even a ruddy sorry for its, what did someone call it, maladministrative bog-up.

Look on the bright side, if the Vote goes ahead, you get more than a Christmas card, well think of it as a book, and, well, you vote at Christmas, what's it going to be , stuffed Goose, sorry forgot your one of them, what's the expression  non-Gar Annuitants. Guess its Kentucky Fried Chicken then...Oh, come on cheer up, you have got the rest of your life to look forward to,.... sorry didn’t hear what you said, did you say take me back to ’57 can’t afford 2001?

Well, sorry mate, but of course it could have been avoided. If the OLD Board had kept its street clean, by reserving for a rainy day, just like what we do, then it would never of had a mess to clean up. It would have been as simple as ABC and so much more transparent, by separating old from new.

Just like children WHO NEARLY BUT NOT QUITE GOT caught with their fingers in the cookie jar- they hid the jar! Panicked, and tried to change the quality, said they would never get caught, cor seems yonks ago now, but I do remember old ELAS saying, ‘We will never go public.’   - Couldn’t could they, too many skeletons in the cupboard by then!

Silly fools, they started this GAR lark back in ’57, cor I remember my Dad bought his first house with a council mortgage, paying interest at 2 ½ % pa. fixed, yes I mean fixed  and Guaranteed

Fixed for 25 years. It was tough, ..no pocket money, ...hang on, I don’t have any today.

But then  who would have thought that rates would go up and come down back to where they were then? Look at Footsie, its been up and down, remember 1974, 1987, market crashes, then recovers.

When was it man went into space or to the moon? - bit like this lark really.

Listen,.....From what's being said outside, most of them want to know what the ‘will contains.’ They say, they need to know what WPF is worth, that they are all beneficiaries, but, although the Boss says they are equal, he won’t give nothing away.

Well you can understand it, the Boss has to prove to the big TV boss, that he has at least, but,  should have more. ‘Its not my fault Guv’ too much was paid out before!’ – That's another porky only got to look at ‘1999 investment returns’ over prior ten years, to disprove that one. And of course while he's raking those MVA’s in, it looks better, but its really getting worse for some.- Its all Irish to me. The point is those out there don’t believe him.

No, they are not acting like lemmings, they take the MVA on the chin, go to court, win and claim it back again. That's why we are not told what's in WPF’s will. What they don’t know is the Boss has been thinking about this and could restructure the WPF book. The Boss is playing with them, he's holding all the cards in the deck!

Its gone quiet again. Maybe its only the real mourners, those that realise if WPF dies, what we were led, -told to inwardly digest, understand, and act on, save for this, save for that, its pathetic.. Must think we are all ruddy morons. Even today the press give the same description for WPF that they have for years. And then there's that silly advert on the telly, -you’ve seen it, actress playing with 1957 era toys talking about leaving something for your loved ones,-  Sorry didn’t hear you,.. what did you say,.... look you are going really red in the face,.... calm down, I don’t want yours and WPFs corpse to take care of.

But will WPF really die?

Not while this Government dithers, its 43- 52- 63- 74 whatever weeks away, until they know what the real situation is for the living corpse. But on the other hand, the Boss who controls the family of mutual members decides.- He hopes for a Compromise, but the family is too split.

It would appear that there are those, that have already taken more, and, can come back for more, there are those that can benefit because they are 60 and over and exercise it, there are those that seek to ‘carpet bag’ it, means it will cost a ‘sanguine’ lot more for the other poor ‘bits of turf ‘ in non-Gar land. – Especially those new ones, who may or may not have been told that new style Policies did or did not pay Annual Guaranteed Bonuses, some of them don't have what they started with! And, not having what they started with, now means they will get even less, going forward,  as the calculation of annual Terminal Bonus, will not be on full value! ... I don’t know its all gobbledygook to me. Although it doesn’t take a fool to see, that they are not equal and probably will never ever be.

On the other hand there are those that have no say. Poor fools, if only they had known an Annuity might not last for life. And, let me tell you, there are those that do not realise that WPF is comatose,... you know all those peripheral policies that you take out. – Buying a house, school fees, investment for the future, short-term funds, its not all pension policies you know. They never tell you when they change the rules, even the brochures they give you are out of date, look at the back, it tells you when it was printed. There are even some that should have a say, but the Boss will vote for them anyway. All seems pretty shady to me!

You know,  Its amazing Conservative or Labour, the message is always the same, save for retirement, save to give your kids a good education, save for the place in the country- you know My Dad did just that, he died 2 years after working for 43 years, he had one of those single policy Gar’s. Left a wife, fortunately the kids had grown up.

Stop, listen, some of those fools are getting agitated, they want to be heard, they want answers, now before its too late. Hope WPF hangs in there, funny thing is the boys near Big Ben, don’t seem to realise how much they need him.

When will they hear? What about that other £250MM

Well I’m betting on a St. Valentines day massacre, which also says don’t believe in false promises.