EQUITABLE LIFE MEMBERS
Clarity and Parity - Page 6
The fall of Royalty Life continued
It
has been a grim few months, but do this well today and this whole bloody
mess should be over with soon. Maymes.
Maymes
Excellent. Security is watertight. Three checkpoint filters for
every member. The main focus is ONLY to allow members in. Now obviously
some press scumbags are members. We can not stop these people getting in.
We can stop them bringing in cameras or recording equipment. But they may
try to cause trouble or even collar some of you after the event. BE
VIGILANT. Dai, you’ll be sitting next to me on the head table. I want
you to keep an eye on the reps in the audience. They have been told not to
sit together haven’t they?
Griffiths (Sweating) Er…yes. In
general.
Maymes
Yes or no. Not “in general”. Did you tell the branches?
Griffiths Yes.
Maymes
Good. I think backstage for us all now. Quick pee and a groom.
Maybe a last cuppa. Good luck everyone.
Time:
Same day, 9.40 am.
Scene
– Festival Hall underground car park, by the lifts.
Briggs
We want the first floor. I hope we’ll get seats near the front.
Jill
I’ll need a pee.
Graham
Will it be warm enough?
Jill
And a sweet biscuit. My blood sugar is down you know. There will be
sweet biscuits won’t there?
Graham
I’ve got my coat in the car if it’s going to be cold. Do you
think it will be cold?
Jill
And my knees won’t take much of a hike. I won’t be far from the
lift will it dear?
Graham
Mind you a coffee would warm me up. I’ll be able to get a coffee
won’t I?
Briggs
(Laughing) In the order
that those questions were asked…my answers are as follows. Yes, no,
don’t know and yes. (He sighs and
rolls his eyes). I feel like I’m on that deep sea fishing trip in
“One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest”(Graham
and Jill both snigger like naughty children). Trust me. I will take
every care that you will be fed, watered and warmed. Quick, here’s the
lift.
Time:
Same day, 10.30 am.
Scene
– The main arena of the Festival Hall. The room is full. Light is very
dim as Treadon is finishing off his actuarial summary. Security staff
discreetly hover around the fringes, sometimes talking into headsets.
General blah, blah of Treadon’s voice fades and scene blurs. Focus
gradually sharpens and is close up on Dash’s shiny forehead. The blah of
his voice rises slowly until the words are distinct.
Dash
…which in summary means that the Board had NO choice but to make
these decisions. I must say it again so that our message is absolutely
clear. There is only ONE pot of money and we are determined that every
member will get their fair share. Now, I propose to take questions on a
first come first serve basis from the two microphones in the middle area
of the floor. Due to the nature of the circumstances surrounding this
Extraordinary General Meeting, however, we are going to allow an extended
question and answer session and by so doing would hope that we will be
able to hear EVERY question. I will take a question from the podium on my
right to start with and alternate between the two thereafter.
The level of lighting in the
floor area rises slightly. There is general hubbub noise as people shift
in seats, exchange a word with those in proximity and stand up to join the
question queue. Within minutes there are around twenty to thirty people in
each queue. At the rear of the hall, in a nearly empty row, sits Briggs
and family.
Briggs
This might get messy.
Graham
Oh Goody.
Jill
(Leaning forward and
whispering to Briggs) sorry dear, but have I got this this right?
These guaranteed annuity thingamabobs do exist. But only for With Profits
pensions before 1988?
Briggs
Yes, mum.
Jill
So, you will pay the guarantee on the guaranteed part, but not the
not-guaranteed part?
Briggs
Yes, mum. But we call it non-guaranteed. Not “not”.
Jill
OR you will pay a non-guaranteed annuity on the whole fund
including both the guaranteed and not, I mean non-guaranteed part. But
then you lose the guaranteed rate.
Briggs
Yes, mum.
Jill
Well it’s all very confusing. It really is. I may have got the
words right just then but I’m not too sure what they mean.
Old
Lady (Sitting
in the row directly ahead of Briggs and turning to Jill) I’m glad
it’s not just me dearie. My head is all of a doo-dah over this. How on
earth the general public is supposed to understand this I just don’t
know. Especially the press.
Briggs
That’s easy, the press generally don’t understand it. Or at
least if they do, they portray it in such a way that it makes Royalty look
really bad.
Old
Lady Well I read the Chronicle.
They say it is theft. That’s why I’ve come along today. To see if it
is. Mind you, I didn’t think much of the biscuit selection. And it is a
little chilly in here. Lovely colour blue on the stage though.
Jill
(Smiling and about to start a
jolly nice chat with her new friend) well, I had a sweet digestive and
it tasted like dust…
Briggs
(Hissing through his teeth)
mum, the first question. It’s starting.
Scene
switches to the first podium. A tall man with grey hair is at the
microphone. He is wearing a very expensive looking Crombie coat.
Dash
Yes, I believe we are ready to start. On you go (he
points to the left-hand podium).
Crombie
Thank you. Can I just ask, how many of the Board have With Profits
plans?
Dash
All the Board members are With Profits policyholders.
Crombie
These guaranteed annuity rates apply to pension plans taken prior
to 1988. How many of the Board have policies with guaranteed annuity
rates? And if few or none, how can your decisions and choices be
objective? Because if there is only one pot and, as Mr Treadon’s earlier
slide proved, to pay a full guarantee in respect of the whole fund means
that other non-guaranteed members might get less, surely you on the Board
could all get less? (There is a
general buzz of approval for the question).
Dash
I have total confidence in all the people sitting up here alongside
me (Sir Hugo suddenly sits very
upright as if he has been pricked with a pin. Griffiths twitches nervously).
Many of the Board work very hard for the Royalty for little or no
financial return. To suggest that any have not fully grasped the need for
objectivity is preposterous. This is the most crucial part of this
company’s long and illustrious history and to imply decisions relating
to it may have been fuelled by personal gain is ludicrous. Next question
please.
The
other podium is approached by a man carrying a Kesko plastic bag. Cooper
leans forward and switches on the microphone.
Keskoman
(In an accent rich in
Birmingham vowels) I would just like to thank the Board and Mr Dash
for the way they have explained things today. I love this company and have
always had great experiences of dealing with it. I set off very early
indeed to be here today. Forgive me but I am a bit nervous and I’m not
very clever. (He pauses) I would
only like to ask one thing. I don’t have a guaranteed annuity rate, so
am I safe? Can my fund suddenly be ravished (there
is some unkind tittering in the hall) to pay for the guarantees?
Dash
(Smiling) No. Your fund
will not be RAVAGED (more tittering)
to meet these guarantees. But I thank you for asking that question.
Because it is exactly this type of issue that has forced the Board to act.
There is no spare pot of cash to meet the guarantees. Thank you, next
question please.
Left
hand podium again. A man in a flat cap.
Flat
cap No spare pot. NO SPARE POT?
Mr Dash, tell me why senior executives and even some salesmen were paid
bonuses in total of nearly £7.2m last year? And that is on top of the now
much reported very high salaries. And it doesn’t include the pay for
directors. That’s what it says in the accounts. Don’t you think that
is excessive when you have NO POT? You’re just a bunch of self-serving
con artists you lot. And half the people on the stage either look confused
or half-asleep.
There
is some rippled applause. Sir Hugo sits up as if pricked by a pin again.
Well I’ll tell you
what you can do with your Board’s decisions, your court case and your
pompous attitude. You can find a very big lake and go and fu..
The
microphone goes dead and there is the sudden drop in clarity of his
message. Cooper has given the nod to a large security guard who escorts
the man away very politely.
Dash
Ladies and gentleman. There is absolutely no place in this company
or this illustrious arena for language of that kind. I would remind you
all that public obscenity and profanity is an offence. I would also like
to point out that the microphone is for questions not statements. This is
not the House of Commons. (Pauses) To answer that chap’s question. We
pay staff well at the Royalty. It has been proven that as part of our
sales and marketing strategy that the highest volumes of sales and
technical ability cost money. We have the best advisers in the UK. They
give the best advice. Well I am sorry, I make no apology (There
are a few MP-style guffaws from the floor) for paying the best money
to get the best staff. Next question please.
A very well heeled and dapper
man in Prince of Wales check approaches the microphone.
Dapperman
Mr Dash. Your company has a very large With Profits fund. Let’s
just say £20bn. But your company always pays out the highest returns. In
most years you overpay, in comparison to your competitors by at least one
percent each year. Assuming that you might lose the court case and it
costs the company £1bn, as reported in the press, surely, by not
declaring returns of this magnitude for the past five years, you would
have had enough in reserve to cover this eventuality?
Dash
We have never formally announced the potential cost of paying the
guarantees in full. The figure of £1bn has been plucked out of the air by
our friends in the press. We have absolute faith in our cause and fully
expect the judge in February, to confirm this. It is very, very easy to
say “what if”. But our philosophy has always been to pay bonuses in
full and not over-reserve. After all, companies that hold many millions in
reserve have just, in our opinion, not paid out in full. The court case
will prove this. The court case will give CLARITY NOW, PARITY FOREVER.
He
smiles smugly. There is some very tame and very sparse applause. Meanwhile
on the main stage Griffiths appears very agitated. He taps Maymes on the
elbow.
Maymes
(Smiling and without moving
his lips) What?
Griffiths
(Likewise) Problem. The
next question is from someone I sacked last week.
Maymes
Who?
Griffiths
Ross Bronco. Kiwi bloke. Related to the All Black captain.
Maymes
Sacked for what?
Griffiths
Mainly for being a wanker and stirring it in the branch.
Officially, for fiddling expenses.
Maymes
Get down there and tell Cooper.
Griffiths
Shit. Too late.
At the podium is a tall
mid-thirties man. He has a good tan and a good suit. He is balding but has
chosen to shave the lot to hide it.
Dash
Next question.
Bronco
Mr Dash. (Broad New Zealand accent). We have met. But you are famous for not
really caring about the guys at the coalface, as it were or remembering
their names. You see I used to work for the Royalty until very recently.
And I have had a good look around this hall and I can see many of my
former colleagues in the audience. IT’S LIKE A BLOODY ROYALTY PICNIC.
Now I want you to tell the people here three things: 1, how many reps have
you pressurised into coming here today to help bolster the vote? 2, how
many of them have brought friendly voters with them? And 3, how stupid do
you believe your policyholders are if you think you can get away with
this?
The hall resonates with
intakes of breath and whispered and hissed mutterings. On the stage,
Maymes has pressed a pin against Griffiths’s leg.
Dash
There was absolutely no pressure applied to our staff. Many are
members with With Profits policies and have as much right to be here as
you.
Bronco
So they would be randomly around the hall. Probably not in suits.
After all, who wears a suit on annual leave? Because they could only be
here on annual leave. They couldn’t be here on official Royalty business
could they?
Dash
I couldn’t say if..
Bronco
(Interrupting)Stand up.
Come on all of you. I can see you. Or do you want me point you all out?
Dash
Now look
here. There is no need…
Bronco
STAND UP NOW.
Maymes
has applied a little more pressure to the pin in Griffiths’s thigh. He
squirms a little as it pushes through fat and towards a nerve ending. His
hands on the table have fingers crossed.
Bronco
NOW!
There is a loud shuffling of
pinstriped suits, brogues and silk. Slowly, the auditorium becomes filled
with entire rows of Royalty sales advisers and managers. There are great
roars of disapproval from the floor. Scene shifts. The Festival Hall
employee on the lighting rig above the arena stirs from reading a
magazine. He stares quickly at his order of play schedule, which has all
the precise timings of when the lights should be high, medium or low.
Without thinking, he drops it to the floor and frantically presses red
buttons on his control console. Spotlights swing from the stage on to the
vast numbers of standing men in pinstriped suits. The roars of disapproval
increase. Some papers are thrown at the stage and the advisers. Scene
shifts to the stage. Sir Hugo has nodded off. Maymes thrusts the pin into
Griffiths’s leg then repeats the action with Sir Hugo. They both jump to
their feet.
Griffiths
Aaaaa…aitchhhhhoooooooo(pretending to sneeze)
Sir
Hugo Aaaaa…Agincourt.
Dash glares at them.
Dash
Ladies and gentlemen. Please could everyone in the arena sit down.
(He stares skywards) Could you
put the lights back where they were? Please, ladies and gentlemen. Order,
please.
The hall becomes quieter.
Scene shifts to a couple of shabby-suited journos. They are writing
furiously on jotter pads. One of them stands and bellows.
Journo
FIX FIX FIX FIX FIX
People join in. He turns to
the crowd and waves encouragement. More people join in. On the stage Dash
has gone bright purple.
Dash
Come on. Please stop now. Please stop.
The arena falls still again.
Dash
Thank you.
Well at least we now also know where the journalists and guaranteed
annuity activists are sitting.
Journo
RUBBISH. BOO. BOO (He starts a slow handclap. Many join in.)
Dash
Please may we proceed. Ladies and gentlemen. Please.
Scene shifts to the edge of
the hall. Bronco, who is being led out by a very polite looking security
guard, jerks his arm free and sprints back to the microphone. He barges
Cooper out of the way and switches it back on.
Bronco
THIS IS A BLOODY FIT UP. SACK THE BOARD. SACK THE BOARD.
Maymes sticks a pin in
Griffiths again. He leaps to his feet. Bronco sees him.
Bronco
AND SACK HIM TOO. SACK THE SALES MANAGER. SACK DAI GRIFFITHS. SACK
DAI GRIFFITHS.
Griffiths runs to the lectern
and grabs the microphone as Dash stares on, horrified .
Griffiths
Calm down Ross. This is doing no good. (The
vein on his neck is almost bursting).
Bronco
YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. I DON’T WORK FOR THE COMPANY ANY
MORE. YOU CAN’T BULLY ME INTO ANY MORE HIGH PRESSURE SALES. SO SHUT UP
FATSO. (Cooper grabs back the
microphone)
Griffiths
(Trying to move the podium
out of the way so he can get onto the floor and grab Bronco and muttering
under his breath) Right, you little Kiwi wanker.
The hall is filled with
aghast exhalations. The microphone has transmitted this comment loud and
clear. People stand up and leave in outrage. The hall is rapidly reducing
in numbers. Griffiths realises what he has done and hurries off the stage.
Dash grabs the microphone.
Dash
Ladies and gentlemen. Questions are now suspended. Please return to
your seats. I would like to commence the voting process. Please, do not
leave. Your votes are vital.
Some members sit down but many continue the exodus. The scene
shifts to rear of the hall.
Jill
Why didn’t you stand up John?
Briggs
Mum! Voice down!
Jill
(Leaning right in to his ear)
Why?
Briggs
(Whispering) Because
he’s not my boss. He’s a nobody. Who does he think he is telling me
what to do? Anyway, he doesn’t know me so he couldn’t have pointed me
out.
Graham
(Very excited but managing to
whisper) This is great. I haven’t had such fun for ages. Honestly,
this is up there with watching a video of myself erecting a deck chair
after two glasses of Chianti. What’s going to happen?
John
No idea. But looking around the hall, I can’t believe those
London branch IDIOTS stood up. I mean he could only have known a few of
them. And why were they all in suits? More to the point, why were they
sitting together? Arseholes!
Graham
This is better than watching telly.
The hall quietens down after five minutes. Dash eventually
readdresses the microphone.
Dash
Ladies and gentlemen. I have absolutely no idea what the gentleman
thinks he is doing by disrupting the meeting. Of course there are very
many members of staff who have policies. I am sure in a democracy they
have every right to attend today’s event and vote too. (Mutterings
but no outbursts. Dash ignores). Now on proposal number one…….
The voice fades to a blah and
the image mists. Various white cards are held aloft as the voting starts.
Later, the scene shifts to the coffee area. Ross Bronco and Donald Nash
are chatting in a quiet corner. Briggs stands with his guests away from
the main crowd.
Graham
The atmosphere out here is electric. I think we should hang around
a bit longer. Something is going to happen I can tell. Maybe a punchup.
Those dissenters may have left the hall but lots of them are still
obviously hanging around.
Jill
Ooh Graham. You are a
drama queen. Get me two more of those pink wafer biscuits and I’m ready
to go.
Graham
Must we go?
Briggs
We must.
Jill
Did I vote ok?
Briggs
Yes. (Whispering)
Perfect. But shushhhhh. I might get lynched.
Graham
But who was the big Welsh fellow who said wanker. He looked a bit
out of place on the main stage and now we know why. I wouldn’t fancy
being him tomorrow morning.
Briggs
Don’t know much about him. He came from nowhere. I think they had
lined him up to try and gee up some bigger sales. Not a brainy technician
but good at telling people that things are going well. I met him a few
weeks ago in the branch. He kept telling everyone that the future was
going to be “hoooge”.
Jill
John. There’s a spare wheel chair over there behind that bread
fruit plant. My knees have gone for a burton. Do you think it would be
naughty to pinch it?
Briggs
Yes. Please do not. Graham, don’t help her. Before we know it
she’ll be doing wheelies and shouting “Geronimo”.
Far off aerial scene sees the
three of them emerging from the lift to the car park with Graham pushing
Jill in a wheelchair on a slalom like route to the car.
Date:
Friday 20th January 1998, 7.15 am
Scene – Dash’s office. The
door is closed but he is standing near it shaking his fist. Griffiths is
two feet away, head bowed. Maymes watches from a distance. Very little
actual sound is distinct apart from the odd shouted syllable. The tail end
of one sentence is very clear.… “believe you called him a wanker”.
The last sentence ends with “and don’t stop to clear your
desk”. The door opens and Griffiths leaves.
Dash is now sitting at his large oak desk surveying the dreadful
newspaper headlines. Even one of the tabloid redtops has joined in the fun
with a headline of “Dai Another Day. Royalty Hopes Dashed”. Maymes
stands and surveys the damage. He reads form one.
Maymes
“Royalty wins hollow vote as many leave in disgust. It appeared
that the hall was full of staff and friendly voters who had been shipped
in to boost the YES vote. The exodus was sparked by a disgruntled ex
member of staff who complained about vote rigging. A tense atmosphere was
exacerbated when a senior member of staff was heard to call the former
employee a wa*!*er…” I
think that captures the real flavour of things. (He
pauses and paces across the office) Sorry. I shouldn’t have allowed
Dai to get out of his depth. I am also fairly sure after my investigations
that it was he who spilled the beans about the figure of £1bn to that
nasty little journalist.
Dash
Well he can harm us no more. Look, I never intervened either and I
had my doubts. It is a good lesson learned. We MUST not lose control of
one tiny little bit of this. There are only two people who can carry this
through. You and I. (He pauses)
Right, what now? We’ve just been absolutely crucified. The press are
baying for interviews. The next move has got to be good.
Maymes
Let’s hit back. Let’s get some big guns in and get them to back
us.
Dash
Who do you have in mind?
Maymes
All of them. We put out a plea for help. They’ll love it.
They’ve all been desperate to nose around in here since it all started.
I’ll line up visits tomorrow. We’ll get the men from the Regulator,
the Revenue, the DTI, the Chartered Insurance Institute, the Institute of
Actuaries. Damn it, I’ll even get a man from the Ministry of Fiscal
Affairs. We’ll replay the content of Treadon’s explanation yesterday.
But we’ll sell it, not tell it. We’ll invite that journalist from the
Correspondent who has always been pro Royalty for an exclusive. First of
all though, issue an e-mail threatening any other member of staff who has
any kind of unauthorised dialogue with the press with instant dismissal.
Clear your diary tomorrow. It will be a busy day. Let’s hit back.
Dash
Blimey Maymes. Wouldn’t have fancied being an Iraqi when you
started getting nasty back in 1991.