Royalty Life

EQUITABLE LIFE MEMBERS

Clarity and Parity - Page 7

The fall of Royalty Life continued

Same day, 4.30 pm.

Scene – Eton branch. Aerial view from rear shows six rows of workstations. Each has a rep, head down on the phone. Focus switches to Briggs’s desk. He is staring at a memo as he speaks. It is in red and marked urgent. He has underlined one sentence “If you attended the Festival Hall EGM you must deny it”. He has put a series of question marks by it. On his wall is a list of Royalty agreed responses to frequently asked questions.

Briggs I wasn’t there myself. No…. Well understandably, some of my colleagues actually work in an office near the venue…Quite… I don’t think any crime was committed by going along to vote… Well that’s kind of you to say…I agree, we can’t control what the press write…Absolutely…..Completely ringfenced. That’s what the court ruling will confirm…Absolutely true. Your money is safe in the With Profits fund…Yes, you could switch to another fund, but that has to be your decision. …No, we do not see the need nor are we advising as such…Well, it’s nice of you to say….No, it has not been the easiest day on the phone…Thank you. I will…So let me just recap…next Tuesday, 2.30 pm and you want to invest another £50,000…Great. See you then.

He replaces the receiver and sighs heavily resting his head on his desk, his knuckles dragging on the floor as he leans forward. Talking to the desk.

This is shite. I am lying to clients now. And there’s no need to. Ok so a few reps were a bit silly sitting together. But Ross Bronco is an arsehole and everyone knows it. Our cause is right. There is only one fund to be shared for everyone. We have been exemplary in this. Haven’t we?

He sits and stretches his arms high above his head. Leaning right back he shouts to the next workstation.

Oi Andrea, you on the phone?

Andrea No just finished my last call. I think I’ve had enough. I had twenty-two messages to reply to by lunchtime. This, by a long way, has got to have been the worst day on the phone since all this malarkey started.

Briggs How was the last hour?

Andrea A bit better. Two very supportive, a couple just needed reassuring, one shouter and another called Dash a shitbag! How about you?

Briggs Similar. My shouter calmed down a bit after a while. My Dash-abuser called him a charlatan. He was quite posh. Had one lady just now, who wants to invest some more. We are doing the right thing to encourage more money to go in aren’t we?

Andrea Yeah, of course. How else are you going to keep your wife in diamonds and pearls.

Briggs But seriously. We are doing the right thing for the customer?

Andrea Oh that? Yeah. The message from the top has been emphatic. They wouldn’t mislead us would they?

Briggs Well they did about the QC. I mean the other bloke has got Bunkman. He’s meant to be better than Gravidlax.

Andrea Yeah, so your mate says. Look, I’ve had enough. Fancy a pint. I’ll shout over to Grant.

Briggs (He stops another pinstriper who is walking past) How about you Pete, fancy a beer?

Pete Would love to. Got the kids on my own tonight. Julie’s got a PTA meeting. Anyway, wouldn’t want to miss tonight’s episode of “Garden SOS”. Apparently it rains and that blond one never wears a bra. Know what I mean?

He holds his fists at chest height and pokes his index fingers out like erect nipples.

Andrea Pete, get a life. Breasts aren’t that great!

Andrea has shouted these last four words. Ten heads appear above the workstations in unison. All have shocked expressions.

Come on guys. You can’t be serious.

Lots of nodding.

Ok. Put your hand up if breasts are in your top five favourite things ever.

All hands go up.

Sad. (She stares in shock). Right then. Keep your hand up if you rate breasts in your top three all time best things.

All hands stay up.

Christ. It’s no big deal. Honestly. I know. I mean if you all had them it wouldn’t be such a big deal would it?

Grant If we all had them we’d never get any work done.

Andrea Don’t get it. Why?

Grant Because we’d sit there all day playing with them.

Andrea Jesus you lot are sick. (She pauses). Hang on a minute. Does that mean every time I’m not looking, you lot are staring at mine?

There is a general embarrassed hubbub of negative mutterings and grunts. They shake their heads and one by one they slide out of view.

Good. You’d bloody well better not be.

Same day, 5.30 pm

Scene – The Windsor Castle pub. A small table by the door. Briggs, Andrea and Grant deep in conversation.

Briggs Grant, do you think the top brass would mislead us?

Grant I trust no one on things like this.

Briggs But are you getting more clients into the With Profits fund. I mean, it is safe isn’t it?

Grant So they say.(He pauses) It depends. I let the client know what our message is and let them decide. If it were me, I’d go into the managed fund or the tracker. Some ask me. I tell them. Don’t think I’m breaking too many laws.

Briggs So you’re comfortable about the With Profits fund?

Grant I didn’t say that.

Briggs Tell me then. What do you think of it?

Grant (Sitting up straight and leaning in. He looks from left to right) Ok. So listen. What if there is a black hole in it? What if there are already no reserves left. And we lose the court case? Then what? Maybe the Board knows? Maybe the figure of £1.5bn is real. What if it’s conservative? What if it’s double that? We could all be looking for new jobs next month.

Andrea You think that could happen?

Grant Well we happily believe everything the Board says. But what if Dash and Maymes are manipulating everyone in the hope that they will win the court case and the problem will go away?

Andrea Like some sort of conspiracy theory?

Grant They do exist. Look at the Neil Armstrong story. Bigger conspiracies than this have happened in the world you know.

Briggs Hang on, hang on. You’re not one of those crackpots that believes that the Americans never actually went to the moon are you?

Grant Oh come off it. The shadows on the photos are all wrong. And anyway, if Neil Armstrong was the very first man ever to walk on the moon, who bloody well filmed it.

Andrea Some remote camera gadget, probably.

Grant Yeah right. Did you know that the first lunar module that SUPPOSEDLY landed on the moon had less computer technology available than your average Spanish MPV of today. Remote camera gadget? Think about it. Have neither of you seen the film “Capricorn One” with Elliott Gould. God it’s scary how true to real life it must have been.

Briggs Is this for real? How many of those red wines have you had?

Grant Not enough. Of course it’s for real. The Americans had to get to the moon first. It was a really big Cold War issue. If the Russians had got there first the whole world would probably be a very different place right now.

Briggs Do you sleep ok at night Grant?

Grant Don’t get me started. You’ll want to hear my Robert Maxwell theory next.

Andrea Not me. I’m off home.

Briggs Me too. Bath time with the kids. They don’t freak me out with scary stories like you Grant. See you all tomorrow.

A series of newspaper headlines with progressive dates through until February is flashed. “Dash – Regulator Backs Us”, “Royalty Claim Moral High Ground With Backing From The Institute Of Actuaries”, “DTI Gives Royal Boost Over Black Hole”, “MP Backs Dash” and “Clarity Now, Parity Forever!”. Music of The Jam, playing “News of the World”

Date: February 14^th 1998, 8.45 am.

Scene – The High Court, a small side office. Inside are Dash and Maymes.

Dash This is it. Final summing up and then we wait. The QC chappy seems to think we will get the decision today.

Maymes Hooray to that. How do you feel?

Dash Pretty damn good actually. I think the judge has been on our side all along.

Maymes Well we do run the pension scheme for the judiciary. If he finds against us and we have to honour the guarantees in full, all the other With Profits policyholders may have to meet the bill. That would definitely affect him especially if he took the policy out after 1988. Old duffers like him are always With Profits fans.

Dash Precisely. For Christ’s sake don’t mention that to anyone other than me. Thankfully, the press haven’t latched on to it.

Maymes Goes without question.(He pauses) All in all, the last few weeks could not really have gone much better.

Dash Thanks to you Maymes. Your excellent management of this process since The Festival Hall disaster has saved this company. And it was a masterstroke to force Bland to attend the meetings when the DTI and the Regulator came in. He couldn’t have defended us more eloquently if we had bribed him.

Maymes Which technically we have.

They both laugh.

Mind you he had to say what he said. Otherwise the accounts that Ernest Anderton have produced in the last ten years and signed off as “True and Fair” would have seemed a bit silly.

Dash Yes. (He pauses to reflect) I still have a bit of a wheeze of an idea to reduce their win bonus as well. Don’t be shocked if some of that ends up in your pocket.

Maymes I couldn’t.

Dash Well I could. And we both will (He winks).

Maymes I don’t know what to say.

Dash Don’t say anything yet. Let’s just get the result.(There is a knock on the door. It opens and a high court white wig appears around the door. The wearer has exceptionally large ears.)

Gravidlax Ready gents?

Same day, 3.45 pm.

Scene – Eton Branch. Twelve pinstriped suits crowd around the television in the conference room. The channel is switched to a satellite news channel.

Presenter …and in Namibia, the famine relief programme has helped millions in the border areas. (She pauses and holds a finger on her left hand to her ear) Now, I’m getting news from our reporter at The High Court trial of embattled life and pensions company, Royalty. Let’s cross London to Martin Tosh who is at the scene, Martin.

Tosh Thanks Jenny. Lots of journalists have suddenly started scrambling to get their equipment ready. We have been tipped off that a ruling is imminent.

A reporter is seen dashing behind Tosh beckoning to his crew to come with him. He shouts that The Royalty has won. It registers clearly. A few reps in the branch give a little yelp but are loudly shushed by the others.

Well there you have it. As yet unconfirmed, but there is a strong feeling here that Royalty Life has won this court case. As I speak Mr Dash is emerging from the main doors. Stay with us, it looks like he is about to give an impromptu address.

The camera angle alters and judders as the equipment is shifted nearer for a better reception and view. Dash politely waits for calm and quiet. He is holding a few pieces of paper in his left hand. His head is bowed. Slowly he looks up.

Dash Today has seen an historic victory f……

A goal-celebration-style cheer swamps the sound. Grown men jump to their feet and punch the sky. A few hug. Hand shakes all round and some random swearing. A few compose themselves quickly and shush to the others. Dash’s voice becomes clear again.

Dash …..be an understatement to say that the last six months have been the hardest for every member of my team. That includes all the staff at all levels. I would like to take this opportunity to thank them for the professional way in which they have conducted themselves. I would like to thank our professional advisers, especially Sir Jonathan Gravidlax QC. But above all, I would like to thank our policyholders for sticking with us and believing in our just and fair cause. I would like to say to you all, we have our clarity. This will bring parity for the remainder of this wonderful company’s history. Thank you.

Reporter Do you think there will be an appeal.

Dash I don’t really concern myself with such thoughts. I believe the ruling was so emphatic that an appeal would be almost pointless.

Reporter But if there was an appeal, would Royalty fund the case again.

Dash I think in the interests of absolute clarity and in fairness to Mr Nash, we at The Royalty would be happy so to do.

Reporter How will you celebrate, sir?

Dash Business as usual tomorrow. Tonight I shall be taking my wife out for a meal. It is after all, Valentine’s Day. Now thank you all, I have no further comment to make at this stage.

He pushes his way through the reporters and into a waiting taxi. Gravidlax and Maymes follow with very broad smiles. Safely away from the courts, the taxi drops Gravidlax outside his chambers.

Dash Straight to my club now, Maymes. You and I are going to celebrate in style. We’re booked in at the Plaza, so sod work tomorrow. I know a naughty little place up West………

The reporters press around Donald Nash firing questions. He looks very tired and very downcast. He manages to clear some space and holds his hand aloft to try and get calm. There is much clicking and whirring of cameras.

Nash Thank you all for this opportunity to speak. I have refrained from talking to the press so far because I wanted the case to be fought in the courts. There has been too much adverse coverage in my opinion. However, I would like to take this opportunity to state my intention to go to appeal. My case is a just one. (He pauses). I would also like to take this time here to thank Tim, I mean Sir Timothy. He has really inspired me with his belief. And he says this is not over yet. Finally I would like to thank Ray Carliss, without whom I would never have identified what Royalty were doing to me and many others like me. Thank you all. That’s it. Thank you.

The scene shifts back to Eton. There is much smiling and laughter in the conference room. One rep is giving a “wanker” wave at the television while Donald Nash speaks. Gill stands.

Gill Ok. Let’s have a few minutes of calm. Thanks guys. Listen, what a fantastic result. I echo what Mr Dash has just said. You guys have just endured your worst six months ever in this industry. And now we’ve won. Mr Maymes gave me instructions a few days ago as to what to do when the result came through. As you know, I’ve been asking you to make lists of all those clients you have spoken to in the last few months who are pro Royalty, those who needed reassuring and those who shout. Tomorrow, we are all going to spend the day on the phones making contact with the pros and the reassured. Forget the shouters. The court has ruled. They can take it or leave it. So let’s really go for it. You all know where the money clients are. Go and get them. Business is as usual. Any questions? (He waits for an answer) No? Good. Let’s all go to the pub. Drinks are on petty cash. (Loud cheers)

Calendar pages appear superimposed upon alternate visual images of newspaper headlines and Royalty reps in action. The first scene flits from desk to desk at the Eton branch. A succession of smiling, nodding and relaxed reps hold receivers in one hand whilst writing appointment dates in diaries. A newspaper headline reads “Business As Usual At Royalty Life”. The next image cuts from Briggs, to Andrea, to Pete, to Grant. All are shaking hands with happy looking clients whilst walking away from front doors, having just signed up new deals. The next newspaper headline reads “Dash – Appeal Inevitable”. Next image sees an elderly client hand a cheque to Grant. Newspaper headline – “Royalty Life Sales Figures Set New Records”. Final visual image sees Grant, Andrea and Briggs drinking Champagne. They are holding an internal sales league table, which is visible. All three appear in the top ten. Final newspaper headline reads, “Royalty Back To Court In October”. Music throughout is “Love Your Money” by Daisy Chainsaw. One last headline the day before the appeal in the Chronicle reads “They Chose Me Because They Thought I Was A Loser”. The article lingers in view and it is possible to read Donald Nash’s story, explaining about his wife’s death, his treatment by Cooper and the meeting with the nasal rep. There is a picture of Donald Nash smiling.

Date: October 20^th 1998, 8.30 am.

Scene – The High Court – A small side office. Dash and Maymes sit by a narrow window looking very relaxed.

Dash Well, here we go again. This should be over a good deal quicker according to Gravidlax.

Maymes Good. We need to get back to what we are good at. Making money.

Dash Exactly.

Maymes And here’s to an emphatic result. We don’t want this going to The House of Lords.

Dash Indeed not.

There is a brisk tap at the door which opens inwards quickly, followed by Gravidlax. His left ear is so big it twangs the door on the way in. He does not react. This is a normal occurrence.

Gravidlax Some less than spectacular news I’m affriad gentlemen.

Dash What? (He is instantly very tense and upright)

Gravidlax Don’t worry too much. It shouldn’t change things drastically.

Dash What?

Maymes Yes, tell us.

Gravidlax Well I’m sorry to say that Bunkman has played an ace before we have started. He made a very innocuous request to the Lord Chief Justice that the three appeal judges should have no With-Profits policies with Royalty Life.

Dash Can he do that?

Gravidlax Oh yes. He is well within his rights to ask. Mostly the requests are declined though.

Maymes bangs the table with his fist.

Maymes Well don’t keep us on tenterhooks. Did the Lord Chief Justice decline it or not?

Gravidlax Not.

Maymes jumps to his feet and starts pacing. Dash stares at the floor.

Dash So what does that mean?

Gravidlax Well, they have appointed new judges who do not have Royalty Life policies.

Maymes And what does that mean to you? Will it change your defence?

Gravidlax Not really. Our case is very very strong.

Dash I do not like it.

Maymes Nor do I.

Gravidlax Well if it’s any consolation, nor do I. It won’t alter our approach, but I just don’t like the thought of Bunkman believing he’s got one over on us. Anyway, we must go in now.

Dash turns the same colour purple from the fateful day at The Festival Hall. He scowls at Gravidlax as he rises to go into the courtroom.

Date: Monday 27^th October, 1998, 11.45am

Scene - Briggs in his car. He is smiling as he sings along to “Harmony in My Head” by The Buzzcocks. His phone cuts in. The ring tone is “Mission Impossible”.

Briggs Hello. John Briggs, Royalty Life.

Andrea We’re in the doo doo.

Briggs Andrea? Hello to you too, you rude heffer.

Andrea No time for hello. WE’RE IN THE DOO DOO.

Briggs Hang on, hang on. What’s going on?

Andrea We’ve lost.

Briggs What do you mean?

Andrea The bloody court case. We’ve lost it.(pauses) Well, not lost it, but drawn it. But as good as lost it. I think. I’m not sure.

Briggs What are you talking about? Gill said don’t even think about it ‘til Friday.

Andrea I know, but it is today.

Briggs Jesus!

Andrea I KNOW. I just came out of an appointment and Grant called me. Said he’d heard a news flash.

Briggs But what do you mean “drawn it”?

Andrea I might be wrong, but the judges were ruling on two issues. One fairly minor about our right to allocate bonuses how we like, but the other specifically looking at whether we are legally allowed to pay no guarantee in relation to the non-guaranteed part.

Briggs And?

Andrea Well, there were three judges. We won the lesser point by two to one. But on the second more major point, we’ve lost two to one.

Briggs Bloody Hell. You’re kidding?

Andrea I’m not. Look. I might be wrong. Let’s get back to the office. How long will you be?

Briggs Ten minutes. This can’t be happening. I’ve got a With Profits Bond cheque in my bag for £200,000.

Andrea It is happening. I’ll be there in five. Catch you shortly.

Earlier the same day, 11.15 am

Scene – The High Court, a single camera crew and two journalists, both smoking. The doors burst open and Dash barges past. He has a face like thunder. They all jump into action and pursue. Dash is on the curb frantically hailing a cab.

Reporter Mr Dash, is there news?

Dash No comment!

Reporter I’m just hearing from our newsdesk that the appeal judges have dramatically turned this case on its head, Could you confirm that, sir?

Dash No.

Maymes and Gravidlax appear, and join the attempt to hail a taxi. The camera crew has managed to get their equipment deployed and a big fluffy boom microphone hovers near Dash’s nose.

Reporter Sir Jonathan, do you have any comment?

Maymes No, HE does not.

Reporter And you sir, do you have any reaction?

Maymes is confronted by the fluffy microphone. He grabs it and throws it twenty feet up the road.

Maymes Will that do?

Reporter (To his crew) Ok. Can it now. No mike, no point. Let’s pack up. (He trudges off)

A taxi pulls in. One journo remains. It is Tompkins. He is the one who had won bananas after the Griffiths telephone interview. Neither Maymes nor Dash knows his face. As Maymes holds open the door, the journo grabs Dash by the elbow.

Tompkins Don’t remember me do you, Mr Dash?

Dash (He stares at the journo’s hand) Never seen you before in my life.

Tompkins No but we have spoken (imitating Dash’s voice) “I’d start clearing your desk if I were you”

Maymes It’s that weasel called Tompkins. He tricked Griffiths.

Dash Would you mind releasing my arm.

Tompkins I think YOU’D better start clearing YOUR desk. Don’t you agree?

Maymes reaches across and grips the Journo’s shoulder where it joins the neck. The journo yelps with pain and releases Dash’s arm.

Allright Spock. You can loosen your Vulcan Death Grip now!

Same day, 1.30 pm

Scene – Eton branch. The conference room. All of the reps are present.

Gill Listen everyone. Thanks for dropping what you were doing, making excuses and dashing back. What can I say?

Andrea Lots I hope. Are we in the doo doo?

Gill Good question. I don’t know. We will be getting a fax in the next few minutes to give new instructions. Until then, let’s get as many questions, doubts or fears up on the white board. I suggest we talk through them one by one and agree how we as a branch are going to cope with them. I will maintain regular contact with Mr Maymes’s department throughout the afternoon and ensure all our concerns are dealt with. We must be clear what to say to our customers tomorrow. Many have invested in us heavily since the first court case.(He pauses) Believe me. Tomorrow is going to be a tough day. If you needed a tin hat on last time, you might need two tomorrow. Ok, questions…let’s get them up here.

Sound fades. Only visual image remains with musical backing of “Chant Number 1” by Spandau Ballet. Images flash: Gill and Pete hover at the front of the room; they write on, underline and amend areas of text as a superimposed clock shows time passing; Pete appears to read aloud from a faxed document; Gill stands holding a mobile to his ear while pointing at an area on the board; pinstripe jackets are off; braces hang loose; shirt sleeves are rolled up. Music fades and Gill’s voice gradually becomes clear.

PREVIOUS PAGE NEXT PAGE